FleetWatch Online - 37-A story of the pain

"When steel gets crushed, so too do hearts." Those were the opening words in Patrick O'Leary's editor's comment in the March 2001 edition of FleetWatch. The hearts that were crushed were those of Grace Joliffe and her two daughters, Trisha and Jamie-Lee, the family which lost a husband and father in a senseless accident which took place over the December 2001 holiday period. Desmond Joliffe was a happy family man who loved his job as a truck driver. He also loved his family dearly. It's now nearly five years down the line and we're close to entering the season - ironically referred to as the 'Festive Season' - over which Desmond was killed. How has the family coped and what effect did the death of their dad have on those two little girls? Read on...

I urge every reader to please read the story below from Grace Joliffe which she penned especially on my request for FleetWatch. I ask this because it has got to the stage where accident statistics don't count anymore. They make no impact at all. We're killing 14 000 people on our roads every year and nothing changes. In fact, it just gets worse.

What will perhaps make an impact is when we put faces to those statistics for only then will we realize the true tragedy of the road carnage that is taking place on our roads every day. Not once, not twice but on numerous occasions have we stated that the real tragedy of road accidents is borne by those who are left behind. Certainly we grieve for the dead but the heartache of long-term pain and suffering when a loved one is suddenly taken from you has massive impacts on those left behind. And yet this pain is never highlighted. It is never felt by any but by those who bear it.

It certainly does not get highlighted in official Government statements when the annual body is pronounced. What is highlighted are the statistics and the cost of road accidents to the economy. Who cares about the emotional cost to families? Who cares about the little girls and boys who are left behind without mothers and/or fathers? Not many - apart from immediate family and friends. If they did, we would be going all out to stop this carnage; and we're not.

In South Africa, our politicians tell us every year that because of the fact that the number of vehicles on our roads has increased, it stands to obvious reason that the number of accidents and deaths will increase. Rubbish. That's a cop out and a sorry excuse for inactivity. I found out during a recent visit to the IAA Truck show in Hannover that in Germany, since official records of road accidents began in the early 1950s, the number of deaths on the roads has been brought down to its lowest ever level - from 21 000 in 1970 to less than 5 400 in the year 2005. And this despite huge increases in the number of vehicles on the roads and the mileages driven. If Germany can do it, then so can we and it is my contention that a spur to increased action will come from feeling the pain of the bereaved. Nothing else has worked up to now.

It is thus I approached Grace Joliffe - who we have stayed in touch with over the past five years - to put down for us what it has been like for her and her two daughters since Desmond's death. It was not easy for me to ask for I knew that she would be tapping into depths of pain and sorrow. But unless we have brave people like Grace who are prepared to let others know what it feels like, we will never get to the heart of South Africa's real tragedy.

The fact that Grace managed to do what she has done - and has allowed us to use a photograph of her and her two lovely daughters as they are today and as they were at the time of their dad's death - speaks volumes for the courage of this woman. It also speaks volumes for her husband Desmond, for it is in tribute to him that she has done so.

It was not easy and took her time. The one email I received from her some weeks after my initial request, stated: "I have started the story but have had to put it aside as I am doing it without the kids seeing what I am doing. I am too scared to let them in on it as it might cause havoc but I will finish it this week. Even if it costs me pain, I'll do anything to help the next person because suffering is not an easy thing, especially when your loved one has been snapped away from you."

When she eventually sent her final draft, the covering note read: "I hope this letter will help the people out there. I will do anything to help people - and especially children - in my situation."

The reaction of my secretary, Helga Spring, to Grace's final letter tells it all. She wrote back to Grace saying: "Thank you for sending us your story. I know it took a lot of courage on your part and I admire you for it. I cried when I read your story about how you've had to put your own feelings on hold in order to carry the children's grief. You're a strong lady Grace - a real heroine. Tricia and Jamie-Lee could not wish for a better Mom. By publishing your story, we hope to bring home to readers the terrible ripple effect of road tragedies on families."

So here it is. Here's the real cost of roads deaths to South Africa. How do you put a price on this? Read on...

"Tragedy struck my family on the 8th December 2001. It was the worst Christmas ever and to date, we still don't look forward to Christmas. The pain and sorry on my kids' faces every year is unbelievable.

I get asked by them over and over: "But mommy. WHY did it have to be daddy?" I answer them as honestly as I can trying to take all the pain and sorrow onto myself because I don't like seeing my kids suffer, especially for someone else's mistake.

The first year without Des was unbearable as I had to play the role of both mother and father which was extremely difficult. I could not have done this without the support I received from both my work colleagues and my family. The kids knew they could depend on my family and they were always there for them.

Trisha was 8-years-old at the time and she needed counseling for about two years. The outbursts that this poor child had to handle did not make it easy. She kept on saying: "I want my daddy NOW" and would even say that she would rather die than live without him. I had to sit down with her time and again to reassure her that everything would be alright.

At one stage she turned against me telling me it was all my fault. That hurt but I had to be the strong one and stand by her, giving her all the love, hugs and kisses that I could. At one stage, she did not want to be at home because as long as she was out of the house, she would smile and relax more. At one stage she shut out all the things that had happened but with professional help and family support, she can now talk freely about Desmond and smile. There's not one day that she does not talk about him but it took lots of patience and work to get her to where she is today.

My youngest daughter, Jamie-Lee, had turned three-years-old a week before the accident and it did not affect her immediately. My sister used to look after her but once she started pre-school and aftercare, it was too much for her to handle. She had many outbursts demanding that she wanted her daddy NOW - and she wanted to know why he was not there.

The questions she asked were heartbreaking and all I could do was to answer them as honestly as I could. I sat down with her and explained exactly what happened. It was very difficult but with God's will, we pulled through. She cried a lot and all I could do was hold her and remind her how much daddy loves her and was watching over us. I said to her that when she misses her daddy, she must hold her heart because that's where he will always be. When other kids used to ask her where her daddy worked or where he is, as small as she is, she told them the story.

When she started school last year, it was very difficult for her as she thought she would lose me too. That's when her teacher started noticing the difference in her. She went for counseling for a year and was kept back to repeat her year of school. Emotionally she was totally messed up and to this day, she is a very sensitive child.

Every day when I drop her at school, I have to reassure her that "mommy is coming back". When I go out, she always tells me to drive safely. "Mommy, please be careful," she pleads with me.

To this day, she is very attached to me and once she told me that if anything had to happen to me, she would die. I then took her for more counseling and what came out of the session was scary and heartbreaking.

She still talks a lot about Des but I always remind her that daddy will never forget her and he is always with her. To put the cherry on top, she is the spitting image of Des even down to the answers she gives you. It's unbelievable that God took one of our loved ones away but in return, I have a daughter who is exactly like him - and this is what I always tell her. She smiles all the way. She will soon be 8-years-old and she's doing much better. We, as a family, still have our talks about Des and to me that makes them feel secure and happy.

I know deep in my heart that Des would not want us to walk around with long and sad faces because he was a happy-go-lucky guy. "When I die, you guys must party till you drop" are the words he said before his death and with those words, he made me find peace with myself.

I still get my moments but no-one sees that as I have to be strong for my girls. Yes, lots of thoughts still go through my mind as to what would life be like if Des was here and what he would have said about our girls, both of whom are in school with the eldest going to high school and the youngest doing well. The saddest part of all is that I have to raise our girls without him and believe me, at times I want to give up. But the images of my girls keeps me going. Without them, I would have been lost.

His birthday is coming up as is Christmas and all I can do is take one day at a time. When I get my bad days, I listen to music and have a good cry without anyone seeing me. That's the way I deal with things. All I can say is that when a partner is taken away suddenly, it's heartbreaking and no words can describe the pain that one goes through. So my heart goes out to all the families like me who have lost love ones.

Patrick, I hope this letter will help prevent others from going through what we have gone through. Sorry for the delay but I had to build the courage to do this - and now I can say I did.

Grace Joliffe
Cape Town

Ah Sherbet! Putting all this together is difficult stuff. I can imagine how difficult it was for Grace to put her story together for all of us. Grace, you have my utmost admiration. You and your daughters have our love and I know you will have the love of our readers after they have read your story. I can say this with confidence for I know our readers.

What you have done is walk people through life after death. Let us hope that the original intention of you opening up your wounds and describing your experiences will serve to spurs all readers, transport operators, motorists, taxi drivers - and especially politicians - into action. Let us hope that it serves to prevent more deaths over the coming Festive Season.

I know you don't look forward to Festive Seasons as that is the time when your husband was taken from you. But know that when this one comes around, you are going to have the full readership of FleetWatch thinking and praying for you and your daughters, Thanks you for your courage. And Helga was right when she said: "Tricia and Jamie-Lee could not wish for a better Mom." God Bless you, Trish and Jamie-Lee.

Editor's Footnote: Know that there are 14 000 families per year who have to go through what Grace and her children have gone through. Surely it's enough now!